Too many parents believe that children, at the core, are not interested in doing what’s “right.” That children who don’t want to share are “selfish brats.” That children who say what they think without a filter are “rude” or “impolite.”
When a child is upset, throwing tantrums, or pushing buttons, the child is “giving me a hard time.” When commands aren’t met with immediate obedience it’s because the child is “misbehaving” and “disrespectful.” When a child tries to negotiate or find another means to get what they want, they’re “manipulative” and “deceitful.”
It’s all “bad” behavior. And it must be “fixed” by authoritarianism. Time-outs, “naughty chairs,” groundings, “taking charge,” spanking, “showing them who’s boss,” “being in control,” and so on.
There are two big hurdles with this approach. First, if a child is bad, can these tactics “fix” them? Second, what if the child is not bad? What will these approaches do to their soul and their psyche?
If a child is disrespectful, can you smack respect into them? If your co-worker is being disrespectful, would smacking them be a productive tactic?
If a child is manipulative and dishonest, will a “naughty chair” instill virtue in them? Or will it just lead to them working harder to not get caught?
Authoritarian strategies don’t work. They seem to, in the short-term, but fail miserably in the long term. That’s because authoritarianism is antithetical to virtue and authenticity. Punishments *do* teach—they teach human beings to avoid punishment. But that’s all.
What I’m more interested in is the second question: “What if a child is not bad? What will these tactics do to their soul and their psyche?”
This is the million dollar question because the fundamental truth is this: There are no bad kids. Kids do the best they can with the physical and psychological tools at their disposal.
When a child is upset, throwing tantrums, or pushing buttons, the child is having a hard time. When commands aren’t met with immediate obedience it’s because human beings instinctually avoid oppression. When a child tries to negotiate or find another means to get what they want, they’re thinking critically and problem solving.
It’s all very rational behavior relative to their physical and psychological development. When they’re throwing a tantrum, it’s because they don’t have the capacity to logically communicate with you. When they’re “disobedient” it’s because they desperately want independence and autonomy. Or it’s because you’re interrupting them. Or it’s because you’re asking them to do something that’s not age appropriate.
If you see kids’ behavior as “bad,” you’ll always approach them with the belief that they need to be coerced and “corrected.” If you see kids’ behavior for what it is—the best they can do at the time—then you’ll approach situations with empathy, understanding, and actual leadership.
Of course my child is throwing a tantrum in the middle of aisle seven after I told her we aren’t going to buy the family size bag of M&Ms. She’s tired, she’s hungry, and she’s THREE. She’s not a “brat.” She’s not “bad.” She’s not manipulating me (she doesn’t even know what an M&M is). A tantrum is the best she can do at the time with the immense frustration and emotion inside of her. Knowing this, I can provide what she actually needs: Empathy. Validation. Connection.
As a parent, you have three options during rough times. You can act like a three year old yourself (yelling, hitting, punishing, etc.). You can ignore. Or, you can lead authentically.
I’m not saying authoritarianism is akin to acting like a three year old to get a rise out of you. And I’m not suggesting anyone is perfect. I believe we need to be honest with ourselves. If I yell at my 3 year old or spank my 3 year old or otherwise punish my 3 year old, I’ve employed tools that are no better than theirs. If I ignore them, all I’m doing is ignoring their needs. And if I tell myself that any of those tactics are “real leadership,” I’m lying to myself. And I’m modeling her own behavior back to her, which reinforces that behavior.
And because human beings are biologically programmed to oppose oppression, these control-based responses are going to evoke an ongoing war. The ever common “power struggle.” Oppression begets rebellion. And the stronger the will of the child, the bigger and longer and more costly the war. For many, the result is a total loss of connection that manifests most publicly during the teenage years.
Those “bad” teenagers were “bad” kids. And they’re not “acting up” because nobody “disciplined” them, they’re “acting up” because they’ve always “acted up” because their parents saw their behavior as “acting up” rather than what it actually was—behavior. Not good, not bad. Just behavior. The behavior of a young human being who didn’t have the capacity to behave any differently.
Assuming a child is “acting” anything implies that they’re in total control of their behavior. That everything they’re doing is a choice. It’s another extension of the “my bad kid is doing all this on purpose” mindset. But there are no bad kids. Kids do the best they can with the physical and psychological tools at their disposal.
All the authoritarianism in the world can’t correct bad behavior because coercion doesn’t have the capacity to correct it. If authoritarianism “works” it’s because you broke your child’s spirit. If a child is obedient, it means their will is no longer their own. No matter how much you think you’re winning, you’re losing. And you’re losing what’s most important to you, your child’s authenticity and your connection with them.
The sooner you can see your child’s behavior for what it is, the sooner you will truly be there for your child as a leader. This affords you the opportunity to give them real skills for better handling hard situations. Not just through teaching, but through modeling. And you’re able to give them these tools in a way that empowers their spirit and strengthens your bond.
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